Maybe this is the last time I'd storytell about you, the one that I always adore, that's always there.

February 12 and 13, night.
The most life-edgy moments for me. It was the first time I cried in a mall, then in a taxi. It sounds so love-dramatic but it happened. Haha.. It's about you. I missed you a lot, and you've been gone for almost a week then. In my head, played some fictions. We weren't meant to be in love that time. You never really loved me. It was just a fake love story, blah3. Well, I kinda had those fictions back then, but that night it got vivid in my head. I missed all those sweet hugs, cuddlings, kisses. They're like, "wow..did they really happen?" But it gets bitter everytime I realize the truth that it's an unproper love.

On February 13 night, I suddenly felt the missing feeling again. I really missed you, no real words can describe it.. Maybe missing euphoria? I dunno.. I guess I was lonely. You can really boost my mood for a day, and ruin it at the same time. You were so vital for my live. Been over a year, I've never spent a single day without thinking of you. You were always here. Then when I got to the room, I decided to check on you, stalker style, like I used to do. Then I found something really heartslicing when I read it. You just..got someone else that you seem to care about. Well, I shouldn't be shocked, it's always the reason my heart broke. But this time, it's different.. That person's connected to my dance life. I've never wanted this underground world to be connected with my dance life. And I hated you, I hated him. I hated everyone. I tried to hold the pain, but I couldn't. Felt like all the emotions here poured out. And I started to have thousands of questions in my head I wanted to ask to you. I really, deeply needed someone. But I thought, who could understand such feelings as these? They would judge first, not try to feel it from my side. And I lost of ways, I remembered that writing can help you ease your mind, so I did. I wrote all that's inside my head..

"It's been more than a year.
I thought we were over, I thought my heart won. But it turns out that it still longs for you. I don't know why, but missing you kills me. Things are reminding me of you. It makes me know that I can only cry for one person in this world, you. Someone who created a real and everlasting emotion of love inside me, not knowing if maybe it's fake. I never knew what's in your heart. I'm occupied with questions all this time. I never got the answers from you. I need to know, was that story fake? Is the word "forever" a game for you? Am I the same with the others in your eyes? And what hurts for me.. I wasn't the only one all this time. All those love promises.. You're just plain wicked. You make me love you without promising to hold the love. Well, this is a wrong and unproper love, who doesn't know! It hurts! Don't you know how it feels? When someone promises eternal love, say that they won't be able to forget you, and you leave them for awhile, then after some time you found them with others! What's that like? You don't know how I feel.

This is not like any other love stories. Mine is bad, wicked, messed up, full of thorns. You.. The one who gave me the life mission to love and TRUST you.. You failed that TRUST and stabbed me slowly.. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ABOUT YOU ANYMORE. But it's hard, the truth is now my dance life and my other life is slowly crawled with that underground life, my bitter past.. They're becoming one! They have to stop! I want to forget! Please, make me become amnesia! Kill my feelings and memories! It's painful..

My heart screams inside, I can't let everything I wanna say out. No one should know my stories, yet no one would understand.. It hurts when you can't let something heavy out of your heart.. I can only cry, and it's for you. I need someone, I really do.. Please, I wanna stop crying. Please.."

The 2nd and 3rd paragraph seemed so overreacting and dramaking-ish, aight, I know! LOL But these feelings I wrote was really there. I couldn't get it myself how could I felt such pain. I felt like I was going to die, I was on the edge. Everything that's in my mind pushed me down. I really wanted to forget everything and become amnesia. I really needed someone to understand but there's no one. I thought I'd finish it by directly meeting you and talking to you, but our schedules couldn't always met. So I decided to leave you. I'm sorry, but I think this is the best for us. I couldn't hold it anymore. You already have the people you love, and the people who love you around you. I won't be really needed anymore. I hope that you're always happy in your life. No me, no you, no us, maybe it's the way it should be. And I should leave "3rd" too. You always said I'm not fair with you and "3rd". This time, I'll be fair. I promise. I will leave your life and "3rd"'s too. Fully. Not like last time when I said "I'll be there when you're down". Someone will do that for me. I will always ask God to keep you safe, to always guide you to the right way, and you'll find someone you really love.. Not just "really love" words that we had. Maybe we promised much, but what if these promises lead one another to heartbreaks? We won't be together anyway, we won't even be best friends, that can't happen for me. As long as there's you, you're always the one here. I wondered if it goes the same for you but I know it won't go the same.

On Valentine's Day, 14th February.
The message I sent you might be the last from me.
"Happy Valentine's Day.
I love you"
That's good enough for me.
[although I wanna said something elses..haha]
We might not meet or even talk again, but my prayer stays with you.
The truths I never dare to say to you
● I'm sorry for all that I've done
● When I suddenly got bad mood, I was jealous seeing you with others
● I never said I'm jealous, and I told you I hardly gets it, but I actually get jealous easily
● You're the one in my life who hurted my heart the most
● But the ironic truth is that I've never loved someone this much
● When I tried to leave you, I couldn't really do
● Seeing pictures of you makes me cry
● My alone time leads me into missing you
● I hate you so much, and love you so much at the same time
● When you told me you got over me, I told you "That's nice" but it kills me
● To be just siblings, has always been impossible for me
● I imagined about our future, living together like we imagined..but it always hurts
● I always wanted you to be mine, and tell the whole world about it.

Whew, I let it out! It sliced me but I'm glad I did. :)
Goodbye then, I love you.
Oh yeah, these are the whole something elses I failed to send to you. Just another confessions..

"Happy Valentine's Day.
It's a day of love, and I can't think of anyone else
The memories inside are strong, they're always been
Been more than a year, I walked my life with someone inside
Someone I never stopped thinking of, even for a single day
Someone who was forbidden for me, but who I could be naughty enough to stay close to
I knew I'd get hurt
I should be telling this to someone else who wouldn't hurt me
But the ironic truth that this someone who hurted me is the one that leads me to say this..
I love you.
And I can't keep the lies that I'm over you
This is a special day
And I want you to know that it's been you here
It's been you, always."