Reinhard Gouw's Journal

These past few days I've been struck by loneliness. I didn't actually anticipate anything before the pandemic started. I thought as long as I have my (ex) partner around, and spend a lot of activities online- everything would be just fine, that things wouldn't affect me as much. But I guess I was wrong, the situation got into me in so many ways. Materially, physically, mentally.

My family is one of those affected by Covid-19 financially. It hit our family real hard. Thank goodness along these past few months up until now, we've been managing and finding solutions. And we're hoping for things to get better. To be honest, I haven't been worrying that much. We always find a way, somehow. On the other side, there's a rushing guilt that my mind kept wandering to other sillier problems. It seems like the situation is leeching on my mental health, so much that I've been having some of the darkest rumination in my life. 

The aftermath? Losing my 3 month-old relationship. Thoughts of death. Constant despair and loneliness. It's fair to say that this turns to be the lowest point in my life. On a positive note, I always try to look for someone- a friend, my ex(es), my family to take me away from myself. But none of them could ever seem to fill the void. I still crave attention and companion. And honestly, it kills myself to realise how I'm doing.

Then somehow, I started looking for "talk with stranger" on Google. The search led to a random chatting site. I started talking with one stranger. I asked with the usual convo starter when they suddenly shared their problem. I tried to listen and share some of my thoughts and advices. At the end of the conversation, they said that they felt a lot better talking to me. Somehow, without even saying a thing about myself, I felt the same on my side.

Another thing happened when I went to the park yesterday. I was planning to do some work when an a man with gray hair suddenly sat next to me. "I had a terrible mood today", he said. I instantly put my headphones down and turned to him. I asked if he would mind sharing with me. He then started talking about his son who's having mental health problem and blocking him out. "He always feels like he's never enough. He's very volatile at the moment and I kept telling him it's just because of the situation", he explained. Somehow, it hit me hard. It feels as if he's talking about me. His stories went on and I realised how stressed he was. I kept listening and tried giving advices for him despite our age differences. I realise I've always liked listening to other people's stories, especially from those who've lived longer than me. "It might be good for you to take your own advice too, it's just because of the pandemic. Things are going to get better soon, and when it does your son will look back and understand how much you care for him", I said. He laughed.

Then for the next two hours he talked about other things: multi-culture, corruption, Korean peninsula, World War Two. The longer he talked, the less I understood the things he was talking about. But I stayed and kept listening to him. I knew that he just needed someone to talk to and listen to him, as much as I do. "You can be frank with me, I'm a strange person, huh? Talking to you about everything", he asked. "No you're not. I think you have a very broad knowledge, and I should learn to be like you. I like listening to people's stories I guess", I replied. He smiled. "Do you feel better after sharing them with me?". Then he said, "You remember told you I had a terrible mood today. After talking to you, I feel a lot better.  I feel like you're trustful. I'm really glad I met you.". They became the words that I needed, the kindest words I've ever received from a stranger.

We parted and I left with contentment. I realised that I wasn't only looking for attention or companion. I was looking to feel useful as a human being. To feel like my presence matters and could make some else's day better. The healing that I need doesn't come only from talking to people about myself and my problems. It also comes from listening to people and their problems. I think that just resembles the beauty of being humanely human, social creatures that need each other. And the fact that complete strangers can make each other's day brighter just adds to the wonder. If you feel down, talk to someone. Who knows both of you might be just what each other needed.

"I believe that it's like drawers", he said.

"You open one drawer, fill it with stories, and sometimes at a certain point, you have to close that drawer. Maybe one day, you'll open a new one. That doesn't mean that drawer is gone. It will always be there. It's a part of your life. It's just not relevant in the present."

I think I've lived long enough to say that I don't agree with phrases saying there can only be one to true love in your life-- the others are just trials. I don't think it's fair that even after you shared some part of your life with someone, went through the good and bad, knowing their past, present, and future, endured one another's best and worst, shared certain depths of feeling— you have to know that they're not real.

I think I've lived long enough to say that you don't stop loving someone. If it's truly love, it stays there in another form. The kind where you always hope for their best. Their happiness. Even when they hurt you in the past, or you hurt them. You just want them to have a good life. And excel in it. Even without you in the picture. You let them go, and want them to let you go. You don't necessarily long for their presence in your life, nor your presence in theirs. There's a sense of beauty in knowing both of you carry on with your own journeys.

I think I've lived long enough to say that despite that, you could still have the capacity to love someone new. To open another drawer and share it with someone, filling it with wonderful stories together and hoping for it to last. 'Cause love is a beautiful thing and you don't have to curse love when it doesn't work out for you in the past. Even though there's probably no one true love, there might be one true drawer. One that will manage to stay open for the rest of your journey. One where you manage to pass the outgrowing processes by keep growing for each other until you find the stability to grow with the same pace. Until death do you part.

Friday, March 27th 2020 |

Hi. Self-isolation got me to finally get back into writing.

Photo by Katie Moum on Unsplash

I'm fine. If that's what I should write. I'm one of the lucky ones who are perfectly healthy and self-isolating at home and doing social media challenges. Never in my life have I ever imagined living in this situation, knowing that something bigger than myself and other humans is actually happening and taking control away from us. If I'm allowed to be honest.. it affected me in so many ways. I feel aimless and demotivated.

Before I started this year, I set some goals and resolutions as usual. This year was supposed to be special, and one of the highlight was Arena Dance Competition in Singapore. I was in Ascendant DC's competing team, training under Gina Michael. As I was staying for some days of the dance camp, and considering the fact that I just came back from my Indonesia trip, I figured I needed to save a lot of money. I made budgeting like never before, from the day I came back to Melbourne up to the trip. I was being very strict on my income and expenses. So strict it really stressed me. I had to force myself to say no to most hangout invitations. Be really careful with my spending. But I managed to do it, cause I had purpose.

It really struck me when the news of Covid-19 outbreak in Singapore was getting worse and the event was cancelled. I felt sad and numb, but mostly numb. I've already bought the round trip ticket and accommodation, and they were non-refundable. They went up in flames and it disappointed me, but I think what hurt me more was the effort that I did. I worked extra hours, being very strict not to eat out or shop, having the tight budgeting on top of my head everyday. Well, gotta suck it up eh? We can always look for money again, and at least I learned and practiced how to organize my spending and save money better.

A part of me just kept asking "why?" to the universe. I worked hard. I worked my ass off. And it just took the reward away from me. Not only the reward, it was the whole thing: my biggest highlight of this year. I know it's not about me. It's affected so many people and I wasn't the one left with the worst condition. The world doesn't revolve around me. But oh well, the human inside me. It made me feel like my hard work goes in vain. I guess that's what's demotivating me, and Arena Singapore was just the start.

Things are very uncertain around here these days, and probably around the world too. Australia just announced lockdown on Sunday (5 days ago), and we won't know how long we need to be in this situation. Business is slowing down everywhere. My workplace has been cutting work hours, and my family too is quite affected by the situation. I'm starting to feel worried about them. My studies has moved to online learning. I don't even know whether staying here in Australia is the right decision for me. There's a lot to think about, and I can't even think well because there's no timeline for this situation. We won't know when it will end, get better, or get worse; hence it's hard for us to see what's ahead and plan.

I can only feel grateful that I'm still healthy, that I have Mitsumi and Kaho here. That I can still survive and have my job (for now). I can still teach online dance class. I hope that my family and my closest people are okay and coping well with the situation. I will try to get myself up to do things despite the uncertainty of everything. 

I guess we can all do nothing and be patient in getting through this. Hoping the situation will get better soon. It's something bigger than us, outside our control. We can only do our best in what we can still do. And enjoy the moment home with our family (not for me).  And maybe get back to that other hobby (like me). Or do the things we've always wanted to do at home but haven't got the time to. Also try and be grateful knowing the fact that our precious earth is having quite a good break from our harmful human activities. We can get through this. :)