I Hate Uncertainty.
11:42:00 PM
Friday, March 27th 2020 |
Hi. Self-isolation got me to finally get back into writing.
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| Photo by Katie Moum on Unsplash |
I'm fine. If that's what I should write. I'm one of the lucky ones who are perfectly healthy and self-isolating at home and doing social media challenges. Never in my life have I ever imagined living in this situation, knowing that something bigger than myself and other humans is actually happening and taking control away from us. If I'm allowed to be honest.. it affected me in so many ways. I feel aimless and demotivated.
Before I started this year, I set some goals and resolutions as usual. This year was supposed to be special, and one of the highlight was Arena Dance Competition in Singapore. I was in Ascendant DC's competing team, training under Gina Michael. As I was staying for some days of the dance camp, and considering the fact that I just came back from my Indonesia trip, I figured I needed to save a lot of money. I made budgeting like never before, from the day I came back to Melbourne up to the trip. I was being very strict on my income and expenses. So strict it really stressed me. I had to force myself to say no to most hangout invitations. Be really careful with my spending. But I managed to do it, cause I had purpose.
It really struck me when the news of Covid-19 outbreak in Singapore was getting worse and the event was cancelled. I felt sad and numb, but mostly numb. I've already bought the round trip ticket and accommodation, and they were non-refundable. They went up in flames and it disappointed me, but I think what hurt me more was the effort that I did. I worked extra hours, being very strict not to eat out or shop, having the tight budgeting on top of my head everyday. Well, gotta suck it up eh? We can always look for money again, and at least I learned and practiced how to organize my spending and save money better.
A part of me just kept asking "why?" to the universe. I worked hard. I worked my ass off. And it just took the reward away from me. Not only the reward, it was the whole thing: my biggest highlight of this year. I know it's not about me. It's affected so many people and I wasn't the one left with the worst condition. The world doesn't revolve around me. But oh well, the human inside me. It made me feel like my hard work goes in vain. I guess that's what's demotivating me, and Arena Singapore was just the start.
Things are very uncertain around here these days, and probably around the world too. Australia just announced lockdown on Sunday (5 days ago), and we won't know how long we need to be in this situation. Business is slowing down everywhere. My workplace has been cutting work hours, and my family too is quite affected by the situation. I'm starting to feel worried about them. My studies has moved to online learning. I don't even know whether staying here in Australia is the right decision for me. There's a lot to think about, and I can't even think well because there's no timeline for this situation. We won't know when it will end, get better, or get worse; hence it's hard for us to see what's ahead and plan.
I can only feel grateful that I'm still healthy, that I have Mitsumi and Kaho here. That I can still survive and have my job (for now). I can still teach online dance class. I hope that my family and my closest people are okay and coping well with the situation. I will try to get myself up to do things despite the uncertainty of everything.
I guess we can all do nothing and be patient in getting through this. Hoping the situation will get better soon. It's something bigger than us, outside our control. We can only do our best in what we can still do. And enjoy the moment home with our family (not for me). And maybe get back to that other hobby (like me). Or do the things we've always wanted to do at home but haven't got the time to. Also try and be grateful knowing the fact that our precious earth is having quite a good break from our harmful human activities. We can get through this. :)
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