It's been a real while since my last post. An unusual period for me not to write.
This is not a quality post for anyone other than me.

Whatever.
Anyway, today I want to make a confession.
I confess that I am such a conceited guy.
I demand things to be perfect. And perfect is usually the way I want them to be. I always want to be someone with position. And if I don't get what I want? It's not my fault. Everything going wrong in front of my eyes is obviously the fault of someone who's taking my idealism away. Things have to be like what they should be for me. And if not? They're just total dumb. They're horrible and it needs change. It needs me. Or at least I should talk, manipulate, make my way to others to agree with me. Right?

And now I know all the time that I'm such an asshole for being that guy.

Today, I realized that I talked too much. I've been saying things I want to say like a stupid, lack-of-self-control type of person. I can't hold myself from saying something to express how I feel. Yes, I pack it so nicely that no one knows I'm heart-pouring, and mostly think that I'm just being logical. Yes, I'm smart. I'm brilliant. I'm genius. I talk smoothly and craftily. I'm good at that. But that doesn't make the condition change the way I want it to. That doesn't make me accept the fact that it doesn't go the way I want it to. Well in the end, that doesn't make me feel satisfied. I thought, "well, at least I said it out loud like a boss". No. It's never enough. I still demand change. Change that is likely not happening.

I need to learn to be grateful with just the way I am and the way things are in the present. Maybe, it's a part of mindfulness. Not regretting for not having the ideal condition of mine, and start realizing what is here now, who I am, where I am, what I can and cannot possibly do.

A friendly reminder to myself:

Think before you open your mouth.
STOP playing the perfect guy and learn to accept that you're not.

I'm done!
That's relieving.