Reinhard Gouw's Journal

It felt like dark chocolate.
It felt like sweet smiles.
It felt like my favorite laugh.
It felt like being loved, but unable to return the favor.
It felt like a place to crash. And hug. And cuddle.
It felt like comfort. Though at times, anxiousness.
It felt like a strong force, making me fall even at times when I shouldn't.
It felt like hurricane.
It felt like dark rose, tempting me to embrace my cravings of oh sweet sin.
It felt like its thorns, even though I never cared about the sting.
It felt warm. And cold at the same time.
It felt like dark gray, with a hint of white that I always tried to bring out.
It felt like rum and bitter wine.
It felt like loving, but not having the favor returned.
It felt like I was gonna give it all.
It felt like Gabrielle Aplin. Singing about love and feeling home.
It felt like Frances. Giving a hint of goodbye and readiness to let go.
It felt like happiness.
It felt a lot like sadness.
It felt like loneliness.
.
.
.
.
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It felt like love.
But it wasn't.

It is all over.
And it is time to put all this behind us.
Close the book.
Never to open. Nor tempted look at it ever again.

Here I am. Finding myself in a position I'd never preferred.
I was stuck in a stupid game called love. I thought I'd outsmart it, but it seems that I'm a fool when it comes to that thing.

To put it simply, I am the kind of person that thinks when I feel right with someone, they'll feel the same way. I thought that the relationship will happen, just because I feel it's going to happen. I was blinded from the fact that the feeling comes from my own heart. And I can't always expect the other party to feel the same.

Yes, I am a kid at love and relationship. Once I feel that way, I'd give my everything to that person. Time, focus, energy, thoughts. I'd be thoughtful. Just enough to feel for them. I'd be caring, just enough to want to know them deeply. I'd be supportive, just enough for a real relationship. Even when that person doesn't do the same. Though I always expect mutual actions from them.

These past few months, I've been stumbling here and there. Trying to give my all to some people. And got disappointed, over and over. I've always thought: Why can't they do the same? Why don't they want to know about me as much as I want to know about them? Why don't they give support and encouragement as much as I give them? Why do I feel like I'm the only one interested in making this thing grow?

Then a friend said to me, "That's you. They are not you. You can't expect someone to love you the same exact way that you love them. People have their own way of showing it". That hit me like a hammer. I remembered myself coming across the same issue with my ex. I expected this and that. So then, I lowered my expectation. I started learning to stop wanting people to show their affection to me the way that I show them.

The problem is, while doing that, I maintained my part the same way. I did everything I could do just to make them feel comfortable, supported, and loved. And in the end, I find it a lot more tiring, and disappointing. I'm coming back to the understanding that they didn't match my capacity for love. They're not worthy of it.

Maybe I was just too fast. Maybe I should not put my energy so much into relatioship. I don't know. I acknowledge that I was lonely. I was looking for affection. Maybe I still am, thanks to this psychosocial stage of life. But I know that I need to learn to value myself more. And focus more on achievements. Relationship and love is just a thing that gets in the way. If humans don't feel so much, everything would be so much easier.

Art by Joan Columbus