Reinhard Gouw's Journal

I guess humans have their own reasons for their behavior. And now I think I'm starting to learn mine.
How I always try to pursue achievements, fame, and everyone's attention. I try to make people see me just to make sure I won't be left out like I was 7 years ago when people made fun of me, forgot me, and made me feel like I'm nothing but alone my personal fable. I remember how I thought I was that cool and special kid but then it turned out otherwise. How I always did horrible at sports that it scared me every time I have to do it because I didn't want them to laugh. How I thought I couldn't do anything good and didn't have anything to impress. Those were the things that make me who I am today. An achievement-pursuer.

These achievements that I pursue, whether it's organizational, dance, networks, anything; I assume that unconsciously  I do these things to make people actually realize that I'm there. That I'm not nothing. That they can't make fun of me again. Everyone has to recognize that I'm there and I'm something. Consider this a revenge. And I don't know why, it never feels enough.

Let me tell you a bit about me. Things have changed. I have a lot of people that I can call friend, close friend, or good friend. I don't have to be afraid that I will be made fun of again, 'cause I have them to back me up and support me. I don't have to be afraid that they forgot me, 'cause there will always be another who would accept me, if I'm not wrong. I don't have to be afraid that they call me pussy as I am horrible in sports, 'cause I can dance well and that's more than enough as a talent, and I know that humans are given different capabilities. I don't have to be afraid that I will feel nothing as I know I have things to be proud of. But then again, I feel that I'm missing something I don't know, something I need to complete this.

 I doubt so much it's a relationship, as I'm on the run for achievements. Even if it is, I'm not ready. I don't want to. I know I will hurt. Because of the pursuit, and because of the vampirism. I'm not sure that I'm fully cured, and I don't want to move to the right one doubting like this. I don't want to hurt. Isn't it better not stepping at all, just for now?

This pursuit, sometimes it tires me so much. Sometimes, I even feel like I'm taking things that I'm actually not capable of. And people are OK with that, not realizing that I'm actually good in talks and not in acts. I get tired of myself. But then again, I'm still running.

As you realize, this blog has turned to journal more than inspiration. I don't feel like I should be inspiring someone inside this contemplation I am in. I really need some clarity on myself..

I've been through a whole crazy month and it's been a big burden all the time. Moving house, car crash, stolen phone, and many more that I don't need to mention. I'm not seeking pity or anything, I just want to spill. Honestly, I've been trying hard to cope. I never faced something like this before, but I think I've been handling well enough. At least I still can get a hold of myself and maintain my sanity.

Today I learned that happiness can be consumed by adaptation. And that the adaptation will eventually lead to deprivation. It means that human will feel less and less happier for one thing by time. I think this explains the way I get bored of birthdays, the way I feel bored with even my most favorite things, and mostly the way that I feel that every happiness lasts for awhile and that they will pass.

There's still a lot of things worrying me, but I think I can handle it. Like I always does.
Well, sometimes being a tough person is tiring. In fact, I don't even know if I really am tough or it's just me and what I want to show people. I don't care for now. Having a complex self is really exhausting. You have to figure out which one is you and which one is not. In my case, you also have to when you are used to pleasing everyone. Sometimes, I'm afraid I would lose my sanity. Losing myself to the things I'm not.

I know this is kinda lame, but at times I find myself questioning who I really am. They see me as that loud and hyper guy, while I still find myself in those sudden-contemplation times. I am A, B, C, D, and anything I need to be in certain places. I realize that I change myself a lot to fit in, as a result to my past. I also realize that I pursue achievements in order to impress. Impress people and impress myself, so that I won't feel that I can't do anything. So that I won't lose my self-esteem like I did several years ago as a wallflower. It is tiring.
But I can't seem to find out anything to do about it so I guess I should reconsider that being constantly changing alphabets isn't too bad, at least for now?

"Hope is the only thing stronger than fear".

I think it's been years since the last time I felt this feeling.
It's an emphasized feeling of fear.

Just until weeks ago, I was still able to be proud of myself. That I wasn't scared with anything. I could handle everything. I said that I would always be secure because I have a lot of people, that I was well-known enough to always have walls where I could hide myself behind. But now it feels like nothing.

I know this is happening to wake me up. It is happening to make me realize, that I am not secure at all. People around me will come and go and they won't always be able to shield me up. I'm not strong enough with these human shields I always rely on. They're probably even just my made-up delusion. I am another human being standing alone.

I remember how I still brag about my abilities, how I can dance well, how I can speak in front of audience, how I can handle many things quite well, how I was always the special guy, how I was just capable of everything and that nothing can stop me. Now I know I never had those things. They're only His richness that He entrusted in me. And here I am, bragging around with it like they're all mine.

Well, if this fear really has to happen. I hope that it doesn't hit anybody else other than myself. Everything happened because of me and because I lacked of attention. I over trusted myself and didn't listen to them. I hope they're OK and it's me who should face this consequences.

I hope it doesn't have to happen. But then again, I won't be punished enough.
If it has to be, I don't want them to be hurt. Let it be upon me.
Let me learn one or a couple things and be better than before.
If I made enough mistake for this, let it be.
Just, please protect them. Protect me.
I only hope there's still a chance there somewhere.
I hope that You tell me what to do now so I can face this right.

"Where did I begin?
Turning through the pages
But I don't know what I've read
Tread is wearing thin
Everything's familiar
but I don't know who I am."


I think I've been gone for too long. Well, the date on my last post proves me wrong, but believe me. That's not me. Or at least, that's another version of me.

I'd like to call him Alton Tam. Let me describe him for you.
Well, he's bolder, he feels sorry a lot less than me, he's more rude, he's tougher, he's proud of his villain attitude, he doesn't care about his nasty attitude, he says bad words more, he hates people he doesn't fancy and enjoy watching them in a bad shape, he's driven by hostility, he loves revenge, he owns his own world.
And to be honest, it felt good being him.

Well it feels like a current life mission for me to be a lot bolder, to not bother about anyone's perception when I know I didn't do anything wrong for myself. Being this Alton Tam helps me reach that. But living his life for too long can really break myself. I got into this peak horrible time when I don't know who I was anymore, I even do bad things I never expected myself to do. I felt horrible, painfully exhausted and I knew that I really needed to be fixed. I've gone too far being him. So I finally tried and turned it off.

Now let me accept who I am just a little.
I am not a person who's bold enough to say "NO" everytime. I think too much of what people think of me. I don't want them to leave me so I always give them my good side. My world is mostly constructed of what people want it to be. Well I still love revenge, but I don't really hold hostility that much. The good thing is: I live peacefully with this.
Although I'm not as bold as Alton, as careless about people's prejudice as him, and I barely hold my own world.

I know that I have to learn Alton's positive sides and be better with it. It just still feels hard to separate his positive with negative sides. It feels like a whole set that I should indulge. As time goes, I hope that I can separate them and learn to be better..


Do you know that I still have another version of me?  I do, but he doesn't really show up these days. Maybe someday, I'll introduce him to you. It's actually someone I don't recognize that deep. I can't really tell how and who he is. Well maybe I'm a weirdo that thinks he has alter egos. haha. I don't. They're just some selves that are really different one another and the thing is, they're inside me. Maybe I should blend them as one somehow.