Reinhard Gouw's Journal

Seasons Change.

Death 11:40:00 PM

Everything's OK.

My dance life is in improving stage and I just performed in my biggest dance recital so far, UNSHAKABLE with LMSC. My college life is well..just well. It's all OK, like it’s always been. At least until last week. Last week, a heavy family issue broke out. It became the problematic aspect in my life, when everything else is OK. Actually, I think it started months ago, but I tried to repress it; up to the point where I realized it was not as easy, and for the first time after years, I bursted into tears. I was sharing the story to my close friend, knowing that I had to spill the overbulked. I was startled when my eyes suddenly started getting wet, talking; even breathing getting hard, then I started bursting. It wasn’t like me at all. I always thought of myself as a tough guy, the anti-drama one. I have strength at intrapersonal ability, including self-healing, I always believe that. A good friend once said to me that I have the unique gift of finding things to laugh about in the most difficult situations; and yes, I still believe that. But I think I was overwhelmed then. As tough as I am, I am still a human being. And yet all this time I believed I was quite humanity-free. haha. On the other side, maybe all this time it was just me trying to be what I want myself to see: strong, tough, feeling-free.

On Sunday, another news also came up. For the first time in my life, I lost a friend to death. He wasn’t my best friend (I think I have none), but he was a good friend for me. And not just that, he was one of the good person in this world that I know. He died of blood cancer after suffering for about a year. I always hoped that he’d survive and motivate people with his stories. But then he was gone beforehand. Just about 2 weeks before, I visited him with some of my friends. He said that he was gonna be able to walk the week after, and we told him we’d visit then. But we didn’t get to, and that time his condition was actually getting worst. I tried to reach him but I couldn’t. I was going to visit him in the hospital on Monday, but then I got the news. So the next visit was seeing him in his coffin. He was there. He wasn’t moving at all. I don’t get to talk to him anymore, not in my lifeline. For 2 days, I muttered “Andrew’s passed away” to myself occasionally, I think it was some kind of an outcome of me not believing that he did. He was around my age, and his lifeline is as long as that. I started to guess whether I would cry or not. Turned out that in the religious service, I cried. I remembered what we have gone through together in the past, and I cried. I also laughed with my friend when I remembered him adjusting his oversized pants while we were performing on stage, but then it was actually sad at the same time. I am not going to see him again, not for a long time. However, it’s not about him losing to the cancer. His strong faith won him, and I know for sure he is happy. It is also relieving to believe that his faith took him to the right place. His family and girlfriend also know that, they are strong. And I realized that till the end of his life, Andrew inspired many people. He was strong, faithful, bright, always positive, and he has made his closest people embrace the toughest version of themselves. If you don't believe it, you can read his blog: http://cheatingreality.wordpress.com.

Just before he tried to adjust his pants and blew the beauty away. haha.

Final pose.

After SATOE. Our golden moment.

Mirror selfie after practice.

When we were visiting him 2 weeks ago. :)

At the religious service, we were wearing the costume we wore in our performance 5 years ago.
Sorry for not being a caring friend, ndrew.

Like season, I guess my life changes too. The vibe is different for me nowadays. I remembered saying to some of my closest friends that I thought my life was too smooth. Everything was OK, it’s never saddening, and things. Now I think the theme is changing. The wheel of life is turning. It is a season for me to learn many things, not just from my happiness but also my sadness. The good thing is, I know now that my emotions are still there inside me, I am not truly humanity-free. The other good thing, is that I start to believe that it means God is not abandoning me, and He still wants to work over my life.

I am attending his funeral tomorrow. Oh, and I’m literally having my first work interview ever tomorrow. Wish me luck. :)

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Post Power Syndrome.

Reflections 12:23:00 AM

I'm feeling quite weary these days.

I am leaving a position in Student Council Universitas Ciputra soon. It's been almost one and a half year. Less than a week again, I'll be a regular student of UC. I won't be a member of Department 2 of SCUC anymore.

Have you ever heard of Post Power Syndrome?

It is a phenomenon, a hollowness that hits you when you leave certain "greatness" of your life. It can be career, look, intelligence, etc.

I've been a hyper-active person in campus in the past three years. And here's the journey:

P.I.A. 2012, event division.

Big Dance Crew 2013-2014, leader.

Psychosnap 2013, event division.

MC of PSY UC Parents Gathering 2013

O-Week 2013, Plan and Concept Department.

Renzulli Seminar 2013, LO division.

Student Council 2014-2015, member of Department 2 of Humanistic and Student Living.

MC of HIMA 2014 Inauguration

UC Art Night and Charity 2014, President.

LDK SCUC 2015, inventory division.

This was the journey of my university organization life. They let me know, work with, and learn from incredible mentors and workmates, boosting my soft skills in a way I never imagined before. Though sometimes I take for granted, these experiences and moments are irreplaceable.

Not all things went as I planned out when I started. I was actually aiming for the coordinator of Force Security Department in O-Week, it didn't happen. I was also aiming for at least one year of experience for at least being a member of it, it didn't happen. And now with this syndrome, I suddenly regret that I didn't try a chance to be the president or a head of department in SC.

That is why it feels so hard for me. I used to be so active. It's like a huge chunk is being scooped out of my life. That huge chunk is my university organization life. I also failed to achieve some goals but made peace with it. But now it is all over. I'm wrapping it up and in the next year, I will be a simple student focusing on his thesis. And then I'll have to say goodbye to this university, and enter the jungle of real life. Moreover, what makes it hard is that I I have to start learning from the bottom-zero again, how to really live as an individual, not as a student anymore.

I think I have to start to aim another goals and dream another dream. A bigger one, to fill up this hollowness.

Whatever you are doing right now in your life, it might be boring or burdening at times. But someday you might miss it. So, do it with your best effort. Hopefully in the future when you look back, you'll be able to feel satisfied with what you've done and tell the tales to your children.

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I Forgive You.

Bahasa Indonesia 6:13:00 PM

Hari ini, saya baru saja menyelesaikan membaca sebuah buku, Secangkir Kopi Bully oleh Paresma Elvigro. Seorang dosen memberikannya pada saya beberapa bulan lalu sebelum ia pergi ke luar negeri untuk studi lebih lanjut.

Saya mulai membaca buku tersebut, dan lembar demi lembar menyelami kisah-kisah bullying yang dialami oleh penulis. Sedikit demi sedikit, dalam benak saya muncul gambaran-gambaran ringkas pengalaman bullying yang saya alami sendiri. Saya sudah melangkah jauh. Bahkan, entah mengapa saya merasa ingatan saya tidak terlalu banyak tentang pengalaman tersebut. Mungkin saya telah membenamnya, merepresinya dalam-dalam ke alam bawah sadar saya. Yang penting adalah yang sekarang, saya sudah bebas.

Ketika sampai pada bab terakhir pada buku tersebut, judulnya menjadi cukup menarik bagi saya. "Fase Penyembuhan". Saya tidak pernah mengamati dengan seksama fase penyembuhan diri saya sendiri. Yang saya tahu adalah saya berdoa, menemukan dance sebagai bakat saya, dan saya menjadi merasa berharga karenanya; dari situlah saya terbebas dari bullying. Self-esteem menyelamatkan saya dari kubangan tersebut. Pada bab terakhir tersebut, dipaparkan langkah-langkah untuk menyembuhkan diri dari bullying. Saya mulai membaca dari langkah pertama, kedua, ketiga,-- langkah-langkah yang membimbing seorang korban bullying untuk belajar menerima dirinya, mengetahui kelebihan dan kekurangannya, dan lain sebagainya. Saya sudah melalui itu. Langkah keempat, dimana korban dibimbing untuk menggali potensi yang dimiliki. Saya pun sudah melalui itu. Kemudian saya meneruskan membaca dengan mulai sombong dan merasa seimbang dengan si penulis, sampai saya menemukan langkah keenam.

Langkah keenam adalah move on dan memaafkan para pembully saya.

Apa yang saya baca membuat saya terhenyak. Mungkin saya telah move on, telah hidup dengan lingkungan sosial yang baik, mengembangkan kemampuan saya di berbagai bidang, berprestasi dengan baik. Namun saya melupakan satu langkah besar: memaafkan. Dalam benak saya, mulai timbul berbagai pertanyaan. Memaafkan? Saya tidak pernah melakukan "memaafkan". Apakah itu harus? Bukankah yang penting kita sudah menjalani dan memaksimalkan hidup masing-masing? Masih perlukah ritual memaafkan? Saya bahkan tidak tahu bagaimana caranya.

Selesainya membaca, saya letakkan buku itu. Saya berlutut, dan mencoba memejamkan mata.

Saya mencoba mengorek apa yang saya kubur dalam-dalam. Tiba-tiba, pikiran ini kembali ke hari-hari yang tidak mau saya ingat. Saya kembali bertemu dengan kalian. Saya sebut nama kalian satu persatu dalam benak saya: V, R, L, D, I, A. Saya memberanikan diri tenggelam kembali dalam hari-hari itu dan mulai berbicara pada kalian.

Saya tidak pernah benar-benar memaafkan kalian. Mungkin saya sudah hidup dengan baik, kita sudah menjalani hidup masing-masing, tapi saya menyadari bahwa selama ini yang saya lakukan adalah menutup luka tersebut. Menutup dan menumpuknya dengan selimut-selimut kepercayaan diri. Saya menutup mata pada kenyataan bahwa di balik lapisan-lapisan tersebut, sesungguhnya terdapat parasit-parasit kecil berwarna hitam yang tertinggal dan tanpa saya sadari, menggerogoti diri saya. Sekarang, saya akan melepaskannya.

V, R, dan kawan-kawan kalian.

V, kamu pasti merasa jijik terhadap saya. Saya minta maaf. Kamu pasti jijik karena saya tidak berperilaku seperti seharusnya. Namun saya mau mencoba mengerti, bahwa ketika itu kamu masih anak-anak. Kamu mengatakan apa yang ingin kamu katakan. Saya tidak tahu seperti apa kamu sekarang, tapi saya ingin memaafkanmu.

Saya sangat takut terhadap kalian. Saya takut berpapasan dengan kalian, ataupun sekadar berada di tempat yang sama dengan kalian. Setiap kali melewati koridor sekolah dan harus berpapasan dengan kalian, saya akan berusaha tidak melihat kalian. Meski sudah berusaha demikian pun, kalian akan tetap menangkap saya dan meneriaki saya. Tahukah kalian, bahwa seketika itu juga kalian menghancurkan saya?

Namun demikian, semua itu adalah masa lalu. Kita sama-sama masih kecil. Bila dilihat sekarang, kalian telah menciptakan kebutuhan berprestasi yang tinggi dalam diri saya. Kebutuhan untuk selalu stay above, dan saya sangat menikmati itu.

Untuk itu, saya sangat berterimakasih kepada kalian.

Dan meski saya tidak dapat menyatakan ini secara langsung,

saya memaafkan kalian.

L, D, I, A.

Saya memang tidak pandai dalam olahraga. Saya juga tidak tertarik dengan otomotif.

Kalian telah memaksa saya untuk terbang ketika saya adalah seekor ikan. Adalah saat yang memalukan ketika saya harus tetap ikut berolahraga dan ditertawakan, atau berpura-pura tertarik dengan otomotif atau menonton pertandingan bola dimana saya tidak tertarik sama sekali. Saya minta maaf.

Namun demikian, semua itu adalah masa lalu. Dari kalian, saya juga mendapatkan banyak hal. Pengalaman untuk pergi ke tempat-tempat yang tidak pernah saya kunjungi sebelumnya, belajar untuk menjadi asertif, terorganisir, dan terlebih lagi menjadi proaktif dalam segala hal. Itu semua adalah pelajaran yang sangat berharga bagi saya.

Untuk itu, saya sangat berterima kasih kepada kalian,

dan saya memaafkan kalian.

Kepada semua pembully saya.

Saya ingin memaafkan kalian sekarang. Saya ingin melepaskan parasit-parasit kecil berwarna hitam yang telah melekat dalam diri saya. Saya ingin melepaskan semua rasa sakit, semua kebencian saya terhadap kalian.

Saya memaafkan kalian. Dan terima kasih telah membuat saya menjadi siapa diri saya sekarang.

Kepada Tuhan yang Di Atas Sana.

Jika Engkau mendengarkan ini, ijinkanlah saya untuk memaafkan mereka. Mohon ijinkanlah saya memaafkan dengan tulus dan ikhlas. Saya tidak mau membenci mereka lagi. Terima kasih atas pengalaman hidup yang begitu berharga. Terimakasih untuk noda-noda hitam yang melengkapi warna dalam kertas putih saya. Terima kasih bahwa pada masa yang kelam tersebut, Engkau menguatkan saya. Engkau membuat saya tetap dapat berdiri tegak, dan menghancurkan tembok-tembok di hadapan saya. Saya siap untuk petualangan lain di depan, dan saya mohon Engkau tetap menyertai saya sampai akhir.

Setelah semua itu selesai, saya buka mata saya. Dengan itulah, saya mencoba melakukan ritual "memaafkan".

Saya tidak tahu apakah saya melakukannya dengan benar. Saya juga tidak tahu apa dampak dari waktu yang saya sediakan untuk ini. Namun saya ingin berterima kasih pada penulis atas pengalaman yang dibagikan serta untuk mengenalkan saya pada "memaafkan", dan juga dosen saya karena telah memberikan buku ini untuk membuka pikiran dan memperluas dunia saya.

Apakah kamu sudah move on dari suatu hal? Sudahkah kamu melakukan "memaafkan"? Jika belum, cobalah untuk menyisihkan sedikit waktu melakukannya. Siapa tahu, kamu dapat menyembuhkan luka yang bahkan tidak pernah kamu sadari sebelumnya.

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People Come and Go.

Life 11:09:00 PM

About a week ago I had a short escape to SG.

Just on the first day when I went out for dinner, I encountered someone completely unexpected. It was a blast from the past. Someone close about 5-6 years ago. Wasn't ex or anything, but we had moments. For the past year, we've not been in contact at all. The last time we talked was closed by a silly argument. Turned out that time, that someone turned to a hyper conceited stranger you don't wanna talk to. Upset by the attitude, I cut our possible line of connection. There. I expected we'd never have any business anymore.

When I saw that person I was startled. My eyes goggled, my mouth gaped, I stepped forward and greeted. Still, with eyes goggled and mouth gaped. I didn't believe we actually ran to each other, not in a million improbability. The vibe were hyper awkward, especially when my mom came in and told me to ask for the contact and maybe invite to join us in the next few days. We tried hard to make excuses, and finally after a little more awkward talk, we said bye. For the next few minutes, I felt tremble all over, on my gesture, on my articulation, everything. It was something crazy, scary, shocking, and relieving at the same time that I hadn't felt for quite some time.

There. Just like that.

Just before I went to bed I couldn't stop thinking to myself. Sometimes we get to know someone, we get close to each other, we shared some part of our lives, and without even realizing, we blended into a big part of each others'. A part that sometimes when we move further in front, is only a part that was there. Was. And it's not popping up again for the next decades or even the end.

Life is like walking. We have a destination, sometimes we accidentally crossed path with someone, shared the walk with them along with a glass of happiness, and suddenly we have to separate and head towards our own path. Along the walk when we look back, we realize that it changed us, altered something in our life. The collide was there for a purpose. We then met other people, shared the walk with them. When after a long walk we met that person again, we're not who we were anymore, they're not who they were anymore, we become strangers, the glass was no more, we only say hi and continue walking to our own destinations without any concern.

And it doesn't happen once.
Humans keeps moving forward along with time, it's a great fact of life that is kinda sad to think in some ways.
Well, it's just another part of life.

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Reinhard Gouw's Journal

Seasons Change.

Post Power Syndrome.

I Forgive You.

People Come and Go.

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