Reinhard Gouw's Journal

More than 730 days. Wow, that's longer than I've ever imagined it would be. We started off in a rough place. And as not okay as that was for me, we stepped into it anyway. We believed things will be better and crossed our fingers with these quotes:

"We cannot start over, but we can begin now, and make a new ending."

Then, the 730 days were full of everything. Excitements, adventures, travel, joy, thrill, fear, anger, rage, surprise, sadness, reflections, problem solvings, team work, changes for the better, and thousands of other things that merges into this one package.

I just want to thank you for accepting me for who I am. For coping with me. My rage. For being there through those times. For letting yourself fall completely. For the energy. For the time. For the abundant effort. For making those characters come to live. For making me feel comfortable. For making me feel enough. For being my home. For making me feel loved. For making me feel abandoned. For making me feel valuable. For making me feel worthless. For diving deep into me. And letting me dive deep into you.  Thank you for being a burst of millions of emotions and experience that words won't be able to explain.

I am sorry for being emotional. For not being able to provide. For not being able to guide you better.  For pushing away. For cursing. For insulting. For not being enough. For thinking you're not enough. For taking for granted. For denying. For forgetting. For procrastinating. For taking easy. For those tears. And fear. And all those sorrows. For coming out the other end being someone you don't wanna be.

I only hope that you enjoyed all the good times, and slowly forget all the bad. As much as we'd like to resent it now, we can't deny that it's beautiful. 'Cause when I look back? All that I can say is wow..just wow. Look at everything we've been through. Witnessed by those chocolate ice cones and those stickers. Thank you will never be enough.

I wish you nothing but happiness and an even wonderful journey ahead. After all, you deserve to be loved the same way you love. Just as I do. Be happy, always.

N.

2 weeks of 2018 has passed. I've been trying to remain calm and relaxed on everything that I do. As a few of my friends reminded me to. So a week ago, we had an LMSC gathering, and there's this session where we have to write each other's  +ness, along with what can be improved. Many of my friends told me to be more "chill and relaxed". Surprisingly, there were also some notes on not being too hard on myself, not overthinking and stressing myself out.

So yeah, I guess I'm just starting to learn to take things more easily. Someone also said to me...

"not that it's bad or anything but i dont think its good to put such burden on yourself to always be constantly 'productive' "
(you know who you are :) )

So let's try to be more chill and relaxed now, shall we?

That's the more technical part.

In the bigger picture, I always think that I'm being way too relaxed on adulting. Many of my friends are going all asault on building their career. They already have long-term career plan and all. While I'm still struggling with deciding my next move for my future. Yes, I know, the bigger dream is still scholarship and all with everything falling into place afterwards, but what's the plan B? That's always the question.

Now, would you still tell me to relax and take things more easily?

If life is fair and good and all, I wouldn't think too much and just let things flow. Embrace whatever life throws at me. But no, I know very well that life isn't. It is cruel, it is a jungle, it is a maze where people around me are already preparing their best weapons to conquer and win.


Also, I came across this video last week. It is 9 minutes worth of watching for you in early 20s, just like me. Who are facing this challenge of adulting. If it doesn't inspire you, at least it's relatable. haha.
Also click on this, for extra encouragement.

On top of it all, I'm coming to accept that I'm still learning. To balance everything. Between planning, and letting things flow. Between passion and profession. Between work and life. 

Between being grateful, and staying hungry for more.

And it makes me feel calmer to think that it's just a part of my early adulthood. My adulting process. Because being a super-productive and achieving student back in my university life, when I step into the jungle of life I thought I had it all. The brain, the maturity. I thought I was already a full-developed adult. But no, life hit me with reality and all and now I realize that I'm still learning to be one. And it's only normal that I get confused time to time.

This thought makes me smile.

Because I know one day, looking back, I will smile. Knowing it's just a transition process in my long and happy life. Amen. Let's embrace the present more and stop worrying so much.

Other encouraging thing is that this afternoon, I shared to my sister that I feel like I'm not maximizing my potential. I was everything a few years ago in my university, like the whole campus knew me, people count on me, I was a valuable player in every committee and organizations. But now? I feel like I'm no one. My sister answered, "Just be patient, you will have your time. I too had my own confusion, then I just did what I could do. And look where it took me. Just be patient, and do what you can do."

I remembered accompanying my sister to her interviews in office buildings. 3 years ago after she graduated. She was applying here and there. And in an office lift, I thought to myself "I would never let myself work in an office building! Never." The idea of going to the same place everyday, with visually square interiors, behind a square office desk, scared me. Then she didn't. She started working freelance. Created her own clothingline. Suffering from constant financial loss. Failing. Here and there. That was her.

But she chose to take it easy and just keep doing what she can do.

In contrast, this morning she ranted about April schedule because there are 10+ clients booking her as stylist. She was a stylist for Ayang Kahiyang's Pre-Wedding shoot (Indonesia President's daughter). She appeared on national television twice just in the past 6 months. She has vast network of influencers, designers, stylist, and make up artists, which support her career even more. When you think of it..wow. Just wow. I'm a very proud brother.

07.11.17 The biggest pleasure of mine is to help my sister on her wedding day, which is making the bridesmaids dresses.Also thanks to this beautiful MUA @brushedbymerida @feliciamerida for making my sister and me looked beautiful on that day. Captured by @evansirawan

Sebuah kiriman dibagikan oleh Ribka Budiman O. Sugiharto (@ribkabudiman.o.s) pada 29 Nov 2017 jam 1:24 PST

Ribka Budiman.

From nothing to something.

- - - - - - - - - -

"You will have your time."

I will have my own time. Let's take it easy. But keep putting my effort to it.

Let's make it happen.


Hit me with any thoughts on Adulting, will you?
Let's talk and share. :)


*NOTE:
Extra TVD gifs to enhance the reading experience because I just miss TVD so much. It's one of the things that can remind me of some of the best moments in my life. :) Moving on!

Monday, January 1st 2018 |

Peace in the middle of storm.

Sunday, October 29th 2017 | 

I need to write more. That's what I keep telling myself. It's one of the way for me to connect with myself. To re-understand myself. To trace back to who I was. Who I wanted to be, what I longed for.

I've been feeling quite lost in the past few days. I've been feeling unproductive. I've been feeling like I just wanted to sleep all day. One of my theory was I felt this way because of losing. haha. It's just a theory. I went to Malaysia last week to join a competition. I knew who the competitors were. On the back on my mind, I believed that we would make it to at least the Top 3. I carried that to the competition. We did our very best, each one of us. And until the announcement, I had no doubt or thoughts that we would be outside the Top 3. Then, bam. The result hit like a rock.

I had no back up plan of losing. At all. Not emotionally, not financially (going home bringing nothing after all the expenses), not mentally. I was used to any kinds of losing at competition. Even last year when we went for Astro Asian Battlegrounds and didn't make it to Top 3, I was okay. Completely okay. And even fueled by the competition vibe, the showdown of other dancers around Asia. Even in Indo when I lost, I was never disappointed. At all. But this? To be honest and to trace it back, it was the first time in my life to ever feel disappointed about losing.

I was sad. Tears could fall at anytime. It was a small competition, only at neighbor's country. Then why? Then this theory came to my mind that maybe it was because I gave it all. I've been pouring a lot of energy and time to this aspect of life called "dance". When I check my recent feeds on social media, most if not all of them was about dance, or at least originated from dance activities. I had a big portion of dance in my life, more than I ever did before. Not the previous year, not several years before. Maybe that's why this struck of psychological breakdown happened. Unconsciously, I felt that it's not supposed to turn out like this, after this increase of portion in my dance life. But then again, it's competition. I went with a team, competed with other teams, being judged by other dancers, in situations and conditions that I do not control all by myself. The universe wouldn't turn my team the winner only because I wanted to or I think I deserve to.

So I guess it's only fair that there's an alternative of losing. And now I have to get my ass up and just focus on to the next one. Which is another Astro Asian Battleground Finals on December. Time to do some payback.

As for my psychological state. My mind has been asking questions as the aftermath. Am I doing the right thing? What do I really want? Who am I really? Who was I? I remembered myself in university, and I remembered feeling completely different. As I wrote in my previous posts. I really wanted that me back. But I guess the wheel of life turns, and life goes on.

Funny thing is, there's one thing today that I find giving me a spark of identity. I felt an energizing flow through my spine, reminding me of who I was, how I felt, and my desires. You know what that is? It's The Vampire Diaries. The TV show that ended back on March. It might sound funny to you, as it did to me. But unbelievably true, when I randomly watched the last episode of TVD today, it took me back to the past 8 years. 

Yes, The Vampire Diaries had been the TV series that I watched almost every week in the past 8 years of my life, starting when I entered high school. It accompanied me through my first love and heartbreaks, my next relationships, my crazy family drama, and many other life events up until last March when it ended. It was always alongside my journey of knowing myself, finding my identity as I chose my university major, and many of life decisions. I realized that TVD, with all its stories, characters and their psychological developments, the plot and the world created, has been shaping my way of viewing the world, viewing myself, even my daily music choices, how I behave and respond to this world and the people inside it. That's why your mom told you not to watch TV too much. haha.

But then again, it gave me an odd energy from my past. It felt sad. And good at the same time. I got some flashbacks of feeling, and a glimpse of those confidence, fire, optimism, and boldness that I had in university. I want to have that back. I want to be that person once again. I want to be productive. I want to lead. I want to excel. I want to become the ever-thriving Reinhard, always chasing achievements and believed that every challenge he can overcome and step up. That the world is a place where he can leave his mark.

I guess when you feel lost and forgetting who you were, you can re-know yourself from things that connected with you. Your TV show, your good old friend. Anything and anyone that can remind you of who you are.